just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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