Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
