i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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