I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
