She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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