3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
