How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
