Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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