No stitches, just platelets and will power
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
