you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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