I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize