he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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