I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
