There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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