I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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