he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
