Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
