I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
