Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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