I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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