You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize