Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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