i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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