i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize