I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
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