I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
