I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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