so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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