Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
