I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You need Xanax blowdarts
third nipple confirmed
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
