Your tits are I can't wait for
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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