if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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