Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
this just has baby written all over it
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize