He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
