The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
