I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize