shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Houston, we have a blender
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
whose ass print is on the piano?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
