she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
