dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
