i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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