Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
