I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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