last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
