He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
