Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
