just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I need moral support for this bender
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
