I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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