i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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