My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
