I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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