im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
