i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
