Why does Corona taste like a burp?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
