went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
high people should be assigned attendants
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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