she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
