My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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