Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
