i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
