I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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