WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It's blow job season.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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