I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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